Frodo's Birthday
by dovekiie
Summary: what is this i don't even...


Legolas sat on the ground, weeping. "WHY DOES THIS WORLD HATE ME?" he cried.

Yes, you guessed it, he was out of conditioner.

Aragorn kicked him in the ribs. "Get up." he grunted. But this had the opposite effect, making Legolas screech and clutch his ribs. "I HATE YOU!" he spat, and fell into more weeping.

Gandalf looked at his Rolex and sighed. "Aragorn, you have to get him up soon. We're already late.." They we're on their way to Frodo's birthday party. Frodo was turning 40...again. Gandalf got back on his horse and waited, watching Legolas throw a hissy fit.

Legolas hissed, and fissed, and threw rocks at Aragorn until...

"Right, I've had enough of this." and Aragorn hit Legolas with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out. Aragorn picked his limp body up, and flung him onto Merry–I mean his horse.. "Lets go, we'll be late."

"I JUST SAID THAT!" Gandalf protested.

Aragorn gave him a withering look.

"Uhh..never mind..." Gandalf backed away a bit.

Aragorn leapt on Merry's shoulders. "ONWARD!"

[ theme music]

...

[end theme music]

They arrived at Frodo's house in three days.

Gandalf knocked at the door.

No reply.

He knocked again.

No reply.

He swung at the door ferociously, leaving a rather large dent.

No reply.

"Gimmie that!" Aragorn took his staff.

"Can't you read?" he asked.

"Can't read what?" Gandalf asked.

"THAT." Aragorn pointed at a sign near the door that read: "Door broken, use bell."

He rung the bell, and a depressing sight came before them. Frodo stood there looking at his feet, a party hat on his head, eyes watery, nose red and runny..

"HI FRODO!" Aragorn screamed, flinging the still K. Legolas at him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

When they were all inside, Frodo, still moping, brought them some tea.

"Frodo, what's the matter? It is your birthday after all." Gandalf said, patting him on the back.

Frodo twitched, and the sound of glass shattering could be heard. "MY BIRTHDAY WAS FIVE DAYS AGO!" He jumped up onto the table, and knocked Aragorn's tea cup flying.

Legolas woke up, was hit in the head by the tea cup, and passed out again.

Frodo jumped down off the table, honked Gandalf's nose, giggled, and jumped out of the window.

Some time passed before they spoke.

"Didn't that hurt him?" Gandalf peered at all the broken glass.

"Apparently not." Aragorn stood up. "Well come on, we got to find him before he hurts someone else.

So Aragorn and Gandalf when after Frodo. There was no sign of him until they saw a sign with a picture of Frodo scribbled on it, pointing north.

They followed it, and it led them up some cliffs Sam had put in with his new authority as "Cliff Inspector". After a mile or two, they saw another sign with Frodo's picture on it, pointing towards the cliffs edge. They stared at it.

"Well, signs never lied to me before." Aragorn said, walked over the cliff, and fell.

Gandalf followed, and also fell.

They fell for about 5.598721436573205 seconds. Remember, hobbit cliffs are relatively short.

They dusted themselves off, and continued to walk when Gandalf snapped a twig, ensnaring them in a net over a pot of boiling water.

"...how didn't we notice that?" Aragorn muttered.

A cackling surrounded them from all sides. A hideous laughter, cold and demeaning.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" Aragorn yelled.

The laughter stopped, and an apple flew out of the shadows and hit Aragorn on the head.

"Ha! REVENGE!" The voice said triumphantly.

"...Pippin?" Gandalf asked.

And sure enough, Pippin scuttled out of the shadows. "How'd ya know?" he pouted.

"Well!" Gandalf said. "It wasn't the fact that you've already done this to us twice this week."

Pippin grimaced. "Oh.."

Aragorn rubbed his head. " Well you did better this time, for a while I thought it was Frodo."

"Where is Frodo, by the way?" Gandalf inquired.

"Frodo? Oh, the nice men in the black robes caught him a while ago." Pippin said, picking up the apple he had thrown at Aragorn's skull. He looked at it, noticed all the grease that was now on it, shrugged, and took a bite. "Very nice about it, they were. Polite. Didn't even ask for a tip, like the men who took me when I went mad."

"Oh. Well, since we don't have to catch Frodo anymore, can you let us down?" Aragorn asked, smiling.

"Nah, I'd rather boil ya." Pippin said, walking over to the crank and starting to lower them into the boiling water.

DUN dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

"Pippin, please. Not again!" Aragorn cried.

"...eh." Pippin said, and continued to lower them.

Gandalf pulled out a copy of The Brothers Karamazov. "Boiled alive...boiled alive..." he said, flipping thorugh the pages. "AH-HA! Boiled alive! 'Ivan escaped being boiled alive by Faramir! Lord of KNIVES!' ...that can't be right..."

But lo! Just then a sharp pointed piece of metal also known as a knife flew out of the shadows and cut through the trap, freeing Gandalf and Aragorn! They fell to the ground at the feet of...

...a crow. A very annoyed crow that pecked Gandalf in the eye and flew away.

"Ow! fucking bird!" Gandalf said, rubbing his eye.

Another knife flew out of nowhere and pinned Gandalf to a tree.

A masked figure stepped from out of the shadows and said:

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition."

He took out another knife and carved a "F" into an unsuspecting Pippin who shrieked and ran off.

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous." the man finished, giggling.

Aragorn and Gandalf just stared.

"...you realize you just carved an "F" into a hobbit, right?"

"Indeed! For I am..." he said, pulling out another knife. "FARAMIR! Lord of the KNIVES!"

"Faramir...Faramir..where have I heard that name before?" Aragorn asked himself, rubbing his chin.

"Mabey ya 'eard it on the telly. There was a LOVELY special on coasters the other day-"

"ENOUGH!" the masked man screeched. "I have saved your lives, so now you must join me-"

"–We don't gotta dress like you do we?" Aragorn asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"What does that mean?" The man said, looking over the outfit. "I look dashing!"

"Yes very dashing. ...if you're dashing home to mumsy."

Gandalf laughed hysterically.

"...it wasn't THAT funny." the man pouted.

"Oh, no, it's just if you say "mumsy-"

Gandalf laughed, clutching his sides.

"–he goes into hysterics. See, his mom never hugged him when he was a child.." he trailed off.

"Well, how sad. But not important! You must join me on my quest!" the man posed with his hands on his hips.

"..and what is your quest?" Gandalf asked meekly, not wanting to get carved.

"To destroy King Aragorn's tower and the white tree of Gondor!"

"WHAT? WHY?" Aragorn asked, eyes wide.

"Cuz he doesn't pay me enough!"

"I don't pay you at all–I mean oh! Well, of course we will!" Aragorn said with a fake smile on his face.

"Excellent!" The man said. "Off we go!" he turned an marched into the woods.

"Aragorn, what the hell do you think your doing?" Gandalf whispered.

"Shhhh!" Aragorn said. "As soon as we get there I'll have this looney arrested." he grinned. "Then we can go back and finish off Frodo's birthday cake."

"...Aragorn, don't you remember? We missed his birthday by FIVE DAYS. I don't think there'll be any cake left." Gandalf said, shaking his head.

"Oh..Then we will go back and pillage Frodo's house!" Aragorn cried, and ran into the woods after the masked man.

Gandalf sighed and followed the delusional king.

The first thing he saw was broken glass. "OH GOD IM HOME!" Legolas screeched, leaping up.

But after he looked around he deduced he was in Frodo's house.

"Aragorn? Gandalf?" He asked wandering around Bagg End. But after about an hour it dawned on him. "THEY LEFT ME HERE TO DIE!" he sobbed, falling to his knees.

He sobbed for a few minutes before Sam walked in wearing a french maid outfit. " I'm ready to go get the groceries, are we out of musta-"

He saw Legolas.

"Uh...hey." he said, looking awkward.

"...hey." Legolas said nervously. "Er...nice dress."

"Christmas gift from my dad."

"Ah...well..." Legolas got up and jumped out the already broken window.

"Oh dear." Sam said, "I better get a cloth."

Legolas ran down the street screaming.

He ran so fast he ran five hobbit-children over.

But he stopped when he heard someone else screaming.

"Golly gee, Batman! Someone's in trouble!" he said, and ran towards the screaming humming the Batman theme.

The source of the screaming was Pippin, who was standing in a pig sty, covered with mud, screaming bloody murder.

"Pippin?" Legolas said with surprise. "What happened?"

Pippin didn't stop screaming.

"Pippin..."

He kept screaming.

"PIPPIN.."

More screaming.

Legolas hit him over the head with an arrow.

Pippin stared at him wide-eyed.

"Pippin, what happened?" Legolas asked calmly.

"Well, I was minding my own business trying to kill Aragorn and Gandalf, when a guy in a mask comes up and carves an "F" into me!" He showed Legolas the carving.

"Oh." Legolas said, a bit uneasy.

**TBC CAUSE LOLWUT.**


End file.
